It’s been a slow three months since my last chemo treatment. I’ve been listening a lot more to my body as I try to get back to the life I had before cancer. “I’m afraid of a third relapse,” I often hear myself saying but what I can do right now is not to let it get the best of me.
As the months went by, I realised how weak my muscles were and how easily tired I’ve become. The cancer drugs have definitely affected me. There are times when I’m eager to join my friends and do the things I used to do but my body often tells me it’s time to go home. I’m always trying to push my limits. I do this because I feel like I have so much to catch up on. My friends think I’m crazy but are always willing to accommodate me. It makes me happy to know that I’m not lying sick at home, that this is now my ‘me time.’
Having a stoma can be emotionally draining. I’m always watching what I eat and making sure there is a restroom nearby. I often crack jokes about my stoma with my friends and family; humour goes a long way and I realised that if I’m comfortable with my illness, my friends and family would be too. There was once I had the famous Rochor Road beancurd for lunch and within minutes, it looked like I had a balloon stuck on my belly under my shirt! After that incident I had to add soy products to the list of things to avoid when I’m outside. I take risks with what I eat as it’s the only way I can find out what I can and cannot eat.
Having cancer has taught me to go beyond my boundaries. I try to do things I never imagined doing. Recently, I went body-boarding in Australia and it was one of the proudest moments of my life. I would never have given a second thought to getting into the pool, let alone the ocean, with a stoma before surgery. I pictured different scenarios of the worst that could happen and found myself laughing hysterically!
It took some time for me to find a way to avoid having an ‘accident’ in the water. I was scouring the net for other ostomates who had managed to get into the water and came across many devices like belts and specially tailored swimming suits. I didn’t want to wear something that I wasn’t comfortable in. I wanted to be myself at the beach and, at the same time, care for my stoma. My girlfriends suggested wearing a high-waisted bikini bottom. I was skeptical until I tried it on. It is the best type of swim suit to support and hold my stoma bag. Armed with a rash guard and bod shorts, I took to the water with my body board and had the best time in the last 2 years! I felt so happy! Who says you can’t do things with a stoma?
Being medically stable has not completely freed me from my cancer fears. My doctors watch over me like a hawk and I’m still doing blood work and scans every few months. I’ve tried to make these treatments enjoyable by making friends with all my caregivers in hospital, and especially with the Starbucks crew! It helps me to continue my fight knowing that things are not so scary when I have friends and family around me 24/7. I’ve also accepted that this is now my way of life.
I know I’m not out of the woods yet but while I’m still in it, I’ll keep being me and doing the things that I would normally do; it’s how we see ourselves that often makes or breaks us. Over the next few months, I’ll be deciding whether or not to proceed with an ileostomy reversal surgery. There are many pros and cons to weigh but I hope to make the best decision!
In memory of
Michelle D’Cruz
1985 – 3 December 2016
Michelle was a 2-time colorectal cancer survivor who did not let her stoma stand in the way of living life to the fullest. Over the past few months, she’s been contributing regularly and sharing her story as a volunteer writer for SCS. Follow Michelle’s cancer journey by reading her previous posts here and here.